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Re: [OM] South West USA Trip

Subject: Re: [OM] South West USA Trip
From: "John Austin" <j_austin@xxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 22:17:57 -0700
Joel, I just stopped laughing long enough to type this. That was great.
After that, if I didn't already live here, I'd have to come just to check
this place out.

John
Even More Ancient Yankee

>Clive,
>
>No Oly content to follow.
>
>It's important to talk about the weather a lot in America, like "It's drier
>than a popcorn fart."
>
>And when you order whiskey, don't call it "whiskey," or you'll get bourbon,
>and if you ask for "Scotch" and it tastes like bourbon, don't be surprised.
>The "real" Scotch is probably not going to be an improvement. Don't drink
>any beer for which you've ever seen an advertisement.
>
>And consider changing your name to "Clint" for the duration of your trip.
>Get yourself a cap with the emblem of some kind of team on it.  Don't say
>"football" unless you are referring to something quite other than "soccor"
>and don't even bothering talking about soccor unless you are discussing the
>activities of very small children.
>
>You can usually say "Hi" to everyone; don't say "Hello" unless you can't
>remember to say "Hi."  When driving backroads it's OK to wave to people you
>pass in cars. You can do this by raising the index finger off the steering
>wheel.  Left one will do.  Usually not both.  Don't use the middle finger,
>however, even in the National Parks. They say firearms are prohibited in
>national parks (even in Texas), but it's not worth tempting Fate.
>
>When in America, don't call it "America" unless referring to the language,
>which is English but pronounced "'Mercun," or unless chatting with another
>European. Don't intimate that you think of yourself as European however, as
>this is confusing to Americans, who think of Europeans as persons who speak
>English with thick accents.  In parts of the southwest, America is
>pronounced "Texas;"  in the far west it is pronounced "California," or more
>generically "L.A," except for northern California, where it is pronounced
>"not-L.A."  In Nebraska it is pronounced "On the way to Colorado."
>
>Try to speak as much like us as you can, although you won't succeed any
>more than Marlon Brando playing Fletcher Christian sounds English to you,
>but we appreciate the effort. Whether you are from England, Ireland, Wales,
>Scotland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, or London, we will assume
>you are from "England" since these accents all sound the same to us. Don't
>say "isn't it?" at the end of simple factual statements, or firmly-held
>personal beliefs presented as such.  Makes an American want to say "Well
>who the hell died and made you Pope?
>
>Have a great trip.
>
>Westward Ho,
>
>Joel
>Ancient Yankee


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