While this is about an OT camera, Olympus is mentioned, and Oly and Leica
shooters have some things in common. Besides, you're the kind of people
that might enjoy this, so...
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"Officer Krupke meets Leica"
by Peter A. Klein
Copyright 2012 Peter A. Klein
(With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, Leonard Bernstein and Arthur Laurents)
May be copied or distributed provided that credit is given to the
parodist, and that the apology to the original authors of WEST SIDE STORY
is included in full.
The following scene is sung to the tune of "Officer Krupke" from WEST SIDE
STORY. It takes place on a run-down
street in Lower Manhattan. A Leica Guy is photographing. Officer
Krupke--perhaps the grandson of the original
character--spots him, and his suspicion is aroused. As the scene
progresses, they are joined by a chorus of other
photographers, plus several others well known to the photographic community.
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KRUPKE: Hey, you! Whadya doin' with that expensive camera?
LEICA GUY: I'm doing street photography. I'm a Leica Guy.
KRUPKE: A Leica guy? Gimme one good reason for not draggin' you down to
the station house, you snob!
LEICA GUY:
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
Please kindly let me be,
I'm really quite fed up-ke
With people dissing me.
I love to shoot my Leica.
The quality's sublime
Bleeping Barnack, why is that a crime?
CHORUS:
Gee, Officer Krupke, please give us a break,
There's nothin' quite as sharp as what a Leica can take.
We aren't elitists, we're misunderstood.
And all our photos, they are good.
LEICA GUY: They are good!
CHORUS:
They are good, they are good,
They are all so good.
Like, our pictures, they are all so good.
KRUPKE: That's a touchin' good story!
LEICA GUY: Lemme tell it to the world!
KRUPKE: Just tell it to the other photographers.
LEICA GUY:
Dear D-S-L-R shooter,
I like an f-stop ring.
Your camera's a computer.
And mine's a lovely thing
Your AA filter's blurry
Your focus imprecise.
Freaky fringies, Leicas are so nice!
NIKONIAN:
Gee, Officer Krupke, he's shootin' the breeze.
My Nikon cost twelve hundred and his Leica ten G's.
With hundreds of features, the Nikon will rule.
I'm up-to-date and he's uncool.
LEICA GUY: I'm uncool!
CHORUS: We're uncool, we're uncool,
We are just not cool.
We're behind the times and we're uncool.
KRUPKE: Geez, who am I supposed to believe? I know--I'll ask the online
reviewers!
LEICA GUY:
Dear kindly D-X-O-Mark.
You think you know it all.
My M-9 got so-so marks.
Which drove me up the wall.
You only test the sensor,
Why don't you test the glass?
Peepin' pixels, I deserve a pass!
DXOMARK:
Hey, Officer Krupke, this guy is a laugh.
A camera's definition is its M-T-F graph.
Objective analysis gives us our cue.
It's scientifically true.
CHORUS:
It is true!
It is true, it is true!
It is true, true, true.
On the Internet it's always true.
LEICA GUY: You don't know the half of it!
DPREVIEW: Hello, I'm from Seattle, but I'm British. Do go on.
LEICA GUY:
My mother uses Nikon,
My pa, Olympus E.
My grandpa likes Zeiss Ikon.
My grandma, Canon D.
My sister shoots a Lomo.
My brother shoots a phone.
Nocti-luxy, I feel so alone!
DPREVIEW (with British accent):
I say, Sergeant Krupke, you simply don't see.
The Leica is an artifact with proud history.
The files are quite lovely.
The form is antique.
That combination is unique.
LEICA GUY: I'm unique!
CHORUS: We're unique, We're unique,
We are so unique.
Like we're esoteric'ly unique!
DPREVIEW: Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of the most-viewed digital
camera review site on the Internet, this
photographer doesn't need a different camera at all. Leica obsession is a
retro refinement.
LEICA GUY: Hey, I've declined on account of I'm refined!
DPREVIEW: So take him to an Art Critic!
LEICA GUY:
I don't like autofocus
Or menus miles long.
Or software hocus-pocus,
It feels completely wrong.
It's not I'm anti-progress
I'm only anti-tech.
Holy Osky, that's why I'm a wreck!
CRITIC: Eek!
Officer Krupke, the problem is plain:
He's stuck in 1950 and his shots are mundane.
It isn't a question of "Je ne sais quoi,"
Deep down inside him he's bourgeois!
LEICA GUY: I'm bourgeois!
CHORUS:
We're bourgeois, we're bourgeois,
We are all bourgeois.
Like, our work don't matter, we're bourgeois.
VARIOUS PHOTOGRAPHERS:
His shutter makes a clatter.
He oughta use a flash.
The camera does not matter.
Besides, his shots are trash.
His gear is too expensive.
His buffer is too small.
LEICA GUY:
Krupke, they don't understand at all!
Gee Officer Krupke, I'm down on my knees,
'Cause no one likes a fella with the Leica disease.
ALL:
Gee Officer Krupke, please pose for a pic.
Gee Officer Krupke: Click! Click!
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