Very sorry to hear that. The sudden loss of a loved one is hard.
If you don't want to hear other people's stories at this time in your
mourning, just accept my condolences and skip the rest.
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One of my brothers (Once there were four of us.) died a long, wasting,
painful death. That was really hard on a lot of people. His personality
was such that I it seemed was harder on his partner and Mom than him, at
least that he would show.
My late wife took a long time dying, too. The last month was in an ICU,
incommunicado after the first few days.
My father died at 67, quite unexpectedly, when I was 43. Although he
worked to appear open, he was, in fact, quite private, keeping much of
his interior life secret. So I never had an opportunity to really know
him. Then again, I don't know if he ever would have opened up. Certainly
I had gotten far enough beyond my teen years to have told him I loved
him and respected him. Still, he was an interesting, smart guy, and it
might have been nice to get better acquainted.
It was quick. Quick is better.
My mother died at 86 a couple of years ago. With her last illness, she
had been slowly fading, fortunately not in pain, but also increasingly
not having any enjoyment in her life. When I last dropped by to check on
her and found her slipped out of the chair she liked onto the floor and
not entirely conscious, she fought me to just put her back in her chair
and go home. I'm pretty sure she knew she was about to die and wanted to
slip away in peace at home.
I, had to argue with her and use my legal power of attorney to get her
into an ambulance and to the hospital. While in the ER, a doctor told
her how lucky she was to have sons who took such care of her. She
replied with a shrug and an "unh" sort of sound. She was a little irked
at us for taking her in.
I would probably have just given in to her wishes, were it not for her
other sons. I had spent many, many hours with her over the last few
years and had no unfinished business, except perhaps my concern that she
was suffering. One of my brothers is local and was soon there when I called.
The other, though, lives a plane ride away. He had been the closest to
Mom for most of his life, and his wife felt closer to her than to her
own mother. I knew that, despite my reports, they were not ready for
sudden news of her death. So we forced her into the hospital and I
called to tell them to get out here quickly if they wanted to say goodbye.
I told Mom they were coming and she should hold on. She said she wasn't
sure if she could. As it turned out, they were quick and she held on.
They got time to talk to her, really understand the situation,
participate in the decision to turn off the life support and be with her
to the end. I think it made a big difference to them; I hope so.
Sometimes it's not about the dying, but those who will stay around.
I wish you good luck with your mourning and adjustment.
Moose
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