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Subject: [OM] (OT) Canadians only
From: Gordon Ross <gordross@xxxxxxx>
Date: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 02:24:06 -0700
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September 18, 2004
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
OTTAWA TO NATIONALZE NHL!
By Preston Manning*

Prime Minister Martin today announced that the federal government will =
take over the National Hockey League and run it as a "sacred trust, just =
like health care". The announcement came as pressure mounted for the =
government to do something to end the current NHL shut down.

"No Canadian should be deprived of NHL hockey during hockey season," =
said Martin. "We will take over the NHL and run it in the public =
interest, just like we run the Government of Canada."

In an hour long news conference, the Prime Minister outlined reforms to =
the national game which his government will present to an emergency =
session of Parliament next week.

"To protect the NHL from further Americanization, NHL Commissioner Gary =
Bettman will be fired and replaced immediately by Governor General =
Adrienne Clarkson," said Martin.=20

When asked whether the Governor General knew anything about hockey, =
Martin replied "not much", but that Madame Clarkson and two hundred of =
her closest friends would be leaving immediately on a fact finding tour =
to investigate hockey-government relations in Hawaii, Fiji, and Monaco.

To address long standing concerns about escalating violence in hockey, =
Mr. Martin said the government will increase the number of linesmen and =
referees to twelve per game, one official for each player on the ice. In =
addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will  be amended to require =
all hockey sticks to be registered.
Once nationalized, all NHL teams will be subject to federal government =
guidelines for gender equality, affirmative action, and non =
discrimination in hiring. "Inability to skate, shoot, or pass," said =
Martin, "will no longer be a sufficient reason for denying any Canadian =
an opportunity to play in the NHL."=20

Martin added that in future all NHL teams will also be required to =
abolish the position of "right wing" from their rosters.

When asked why, Martin said it was necessary to increase support for =
hockey among union members, and to secure NDP backing for the NHL =
nationalization bill in Parliament.

The Prime Minister affirmed that "the great Canadian principle of =
equalization will be fully applied to our national game."=20

"The current distribution of NHL teams in Canada is unacceptable to this =
government," he said. "It violates the principle of regional equality =
for Alberta and Ontario to have two NHL teams each while some provinces =
have none.  Commencing next season, the  Toronto Maple Leafs will be =
moved to Fredericton and the Edmonton Oilers to Charlottetown."=20

Martin declared the seating arrangements at NHL hockey rinks =
"unacceptable" as well.

"We do not accept two tier medicine in this country and we cannot accept =
multi tier seating at hockey arenas. It's un-Canadian."=20

Martin explained that Former Public Works Minister Alphonse Gagliano =
will be put in charge of a program to flatten the seating arrangements =
in all NHL arenas.

When asked how spectators in the back rows would be able to see the game =
Martin said the government is devising a plan for rotating spectators =
from back seats to front seats between periods.=20

"It is our intention, in the interests of fairness, to insure that any  =
inability to see the game is fully equalized among all spectators, said =
Martin. "It's the Canadian way."

In recognition of the principle of "asymmetric federalism", and to =
secure the support of the Bloc Quebecois for the nationalization =
measure, Martin also confirmed that the Montreal Canadians will be =
exempted from the proposed reforms.

Finally, to pay for the nationalization program, the government's next =
budget will include a Fan Tax, an Ice Tax, a Puck Tax, a Stick =
Registration Fee, and a new 115% income tax bracket for any hockey =
player making more money than the Prime Minster.

* Preston Manning is a former Leader of the Opposition in Parliament. He =
is currently a Distinguished Visitor at the University of Toronto, and a =
Senior Fellow of the Fraser Institute and Canada West Foundation.
* Article reprint from the Vancouver Sun=20



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