Here's one you can open, and reminded me of the ruined camera John wrote
about.
How to Bathe a Cat
(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington.
He
writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails." Here
is
his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat : )
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that
they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them
clean.
This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty"
odors
on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true
about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do
we
do
that? - NSP, Wilmington
Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a
written
set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share
with
you:
Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on
that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in
an
open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in
the tub with the cat and close the sliding glass doors as if you were
about
to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
shift
positions.)
B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
to
dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a
hockey
face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you
must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll
then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off.
(The national record for cats is three latherings so don't expect too
much.)
F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by
now
the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop
the
drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally,
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If
this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic
and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted
to
assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is
simply
plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the
next
time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
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