;~))
Jim Nichols
Tullahoma, TN USA
----- Original Message -----
From: "Chuck Norcutt" <chucknorcutt@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Olympus mail list" <olympus@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Monday, January 07, 2013 8:17 AM
Subject: [OM] A bit of humour for my British and American friends
>A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her ...Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
> hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
> immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
> Dictionary.)
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,
> which she does not fancy).
>
> Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for
> America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> -----------------------
>
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
> be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
> raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> ------------------------
>
> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
> elimination of '-ize.'
>
> -------------------
>
> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> -----------------
>
> 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
> should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready
> to shoot grouse.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
> you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
>
> --------------------
>
> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> -------------------
>
> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
> fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> -------------------
>
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
> pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
> due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
> what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
> Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
> dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
> one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> ---------------------
>
> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
> --------------------
>
> 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> -----------------
>
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> ---------------
>
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God Save the Queen!
>
> PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
> humor)!
> --
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>
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