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[OM] OT Please, not politics again! Take some irony instead!

Subject: [OM] OT Please, not politics again! Take some irony instead!
From: hiwayman@xxxxxxx (Walt Wayman)
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 19:28:19 +0000
Now that we've handed over power in Iraq to the so-called transition 
government, the first domino has fallen in the target list of oppressive Arab 
states. A new ideal has been manifested: impotent self-rule in the heart of the 
Islamofascist empire. The question we must all start answering today is, how 
can we keep a good thing going? I have a suggestion, dramatic perhaps, but 
simple in its essence: Use up all the oil.

Saudi Arabia is the colossus of Araby, standing astride the Middle East on 
towering legs made of billions of petrodollars. For too long we have seen our 
leaders forced to compromise with, or like certain presidents, kowtow to 
chicanerous sheiks who live double lives at our expense.  At home, they parade 
around in their barbarian robes, dispensing cash to religious nut terrorists 
and the terrorist incubators called madrassas, while abroad, they slip into 
silky western suits and shop for good whiskey, flashy whores, Bentleys, Beverly 
Hills mansions, and unscrupulous bankers.

Everyone knows we have to break their economic stranglehold on the world 
economy. But most delude themselves with the folly that this can be 
accomplished by conservation and farsighted investment in new energy 
technologies. This just ain't going to happen. Energy companies aren't going to 
get serious about developing alternative energy sources until they absolutely 
have to: that's capitalism in its purest form.

American consumers aren't interested in tightening their belts for the sake of 
some long-term objective that none of the rich and powerful are seriously 
pursuing. And why should they be? The American Way is to do exactly what we 
want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It usually works out, one 
way or the other, and it will this time, too.  We just tell the silly naysayers 
to shut the f*** up.

Our national objective should be to consume all that Arab oil as quickly as 
possible. At the moment, the U.S. acquires a measly 15 percent of its oil from 
Saudi Arabia. We can do much, much better than that, and without a lot of 
effort. We should immediately shut down all domestic oil production, buy more 
SUVs, build more oil-fired power plants, switch home heating systems away from 
electric and gas to oil. In short, it's time to put the hammer down and suck 
the oil out of the Middle East until the wells are as dry as the sand above 
them, and then let's see what happens to the two-faced princes of Saud.

Yes, they'll have some cash on hand for a while, but they'll be like American 
sports stars, pop singers or hip-hop sensations: hooked on absurd spending 
habits long after their ability to produce income has vanished. OPEC will 
become the equivalent of a London men's club: an irrelevant refuge for the 
artifacts of a defunct empire.

Meanwhile, the energy companies will be doing what they always do when the 
long-term crisis has landed with a thump on their short-term profits: they'll 
find new kinds of energy for us to use. We don't really have to worry about the 
what and how right now. When they can't make money any other way, they'll 
figure out how to generate billions of gigawatts by burning dirt or some damn 
thing.

It's possible there will be a few difficult years of transition, but hey, 
that's in the future, and in the meantime, think of all the fun we'll have 
kicking the great American shopping machine into high gear. We need more 
plastic stuff, of course, because plastic is made from oil -- LOTS more plastic 
stuff, like digital cameras and cell phones, and the credit cards to buy them 
with.

The automotive giants of Detroit should experience a tremendous windfall, 
provided they can respond to the short-term challenge. We need SUVs twice the 
size of the Lincoln Navigator, capable of fuel inefficiencies in the 
two-to-three mpg range. We need snowmobiles as big as tanks, motorcycles with 
six-liter V-8 engines, gas-powered kitchen appliances, 50 hp riding lawnmowers, 
and we've got to make a much larger national commitment to RV'ing and boating. 
The federal and state governments will have to help out, of course, by 
eliminating gas taxes, but that's just part of the solution.  Aren't all 
problems solved by cutting taxes?

Best of all, we the people will have the satisfaction of practicing our 
favorite pursuits, buying and wasting stuff, while knowing that in doing so we 
are behaving in the most patriotic possible manner. Why try to defeat the enemy 
with sacrifice when it can be done so much more easily and effectively with our 
in-born talent for self-indulgence and rampant consumption?

And just imagine the day when all the western troops and gear can be packed up 
and brought home from the plague-infested and pestilential lands of the Middle 
East. Then the Arabs will be able to get back down to the serious and 
traditional business of killing each other for nothing, and we can ignore it 
all completely, confident that whatever they choose to teach their spawn in the 
madrassas, none of the little bastards will be able to afford a plane ticket to 
the USA.

I'll leave it to the brainy types to work out the details. My job is the 
'Vision Thing.'

Happy Independence Day weekend!

Walt, readying both guns and fireworks



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