(copyright 1998 Ken Norton)
Once upon a time, in a camera bag far far away sat a lonely Vivitar 2x
Teleconverter. This poor teleconverter, who we'll call Vert spent most
of his time hiding away in the dark recesses of the bag, usually under a
package of lens tissue.
Vert was a sad teleconverter. No matter how loud he cried out, the
owner would rarely even acknowledge his existance other than to
occasionally remove him from the bag to sit on the shelf for a while.
The owner was so spiteful to Vert that he would even remove the lens
caps to use on some other "prime" lens whom he favored much more than
poor little Vert.
Vert knew that he was a disappointment to the owner who really wanted a
Zuiko 1.4 teleconverter, but he hung in there anyway. One day, Vert was
hanging out with the big Soligar 400/5.6 lens but they got in trouble.
Vert should have been inside the bag where it was safe and quiet, but
the bag fell. While it was falling the Sollie the Soligar screemed in
fear. They were in the outside, unprotected pocket of the camera bag
and were headed for the floor. "HELP!!! WE'RE FALLING!!! cried Sollie
and Vert, but to no avail. The owner couldn't catch the bag in time.
BOOM. They hit the floor. Sollie knew that this was the end and he
turn just a little to protect Vert from getting hurt. As Sollie lay in
pieces, Vert says "don't die, please don't die--I'm just too attached to
you for you to die." But Sollie wheezed his last, blinked his big iris
one last time and gave his life for his little friend Vert who made
Sollie twice as powerful as without him.
Vert spent much time on the shelf trying to recover from this terrible
tragedy and even hung out with a bad crowd of aftermarket zooms. But
Vert was never accepted and always pushed to the side and left to
collect dust.
One day, there was a rumour in the camp. A rumour that a new lens was
coming. "I hear that it's going to be another wide angle" said the
24/2.4 in fear, since he was the 'favored' child. "No" said the
100/2.8, "I hear that it's going to be another zoom." Omer, the OM-1,
said "you are both wrong, I found out that it's going to be a 200/2.8."
This got everybody excited since there hadn't been a 200 in their midst
for years--ever since Franky had met death on a rock face.
"OK, EVERYBODY LINE UP OVER THERE. I'M IN CHARGE NOW" barked the
Soligar 200/2.8 as he pushed his way into the bag. "I'M The Biggest,
Baddest, Meenest Lens around this rinkydink operation. Everybody SHAPE
UP. You over there, clean that skylight filter. How dare it be so
dirty." "My name is Sue--That's right, a lens named Sue." (sorry
country music fans, I couldn't resist <g>) "...And this is my assistant
Toky." In walked Toky, a Tokina 2x teleconverter. A gasp went through
the bag and everybody started talking at once. "Whatever will happen to
Vert now that Toky is here?"
Vert again was sent to the shelf where he was left exposed to the
elements. At one time he was even attached to the 50/1.4 when it needed
a rear lens cap. Oh, the disgrace--to be forgotten, unloved and
neglected. Vert decided to try killing himself by rolling of the shelf,
but Veronica Velvia stood in the way and convinced him to stay. "Just
wait, your day will come. Toky won't be the assistant forever."
One winter day the owner snatches Vert of the shelf and stuffs him in
the camera bag. "Oh, wow, where am I going? Is this it? Will he drop
me off in the junk bin where I'll die? Will he use me?" Poor Vert was
just a bundle of nerves as he didn't know what was happening.
"MORE POWER, I NEED MORE POWER!" yelled Sue. "Toky, you are just not
enough. How can I be strong enough to take pictures of these eagles if
you try by yourself to help me. I need more power! Vert, come here.
Attach yourself to Toky here and give me a hand."
So restarted Vert's career again as a teleconverter. But every time Sue
needed more power he didn't know who to use. Neither Toky nor Vert had
any job security now. They would fight with each other for space in the
camera bag--as there was only room for one of them.
"Well, I've always worked with Toky, but let's have a contest to see who
is the better choice to be my assistant. Will it be Toky? Or will it
be Vert?" said Sue. "This will be a contest to see who can fulfill my
desires to be a 400."
"The winner of the contest gets to be my assistant. The loser must
undergo a frontal-lobotomy to remove the elements and become an
extension tube." Cries of protests arose from the camera bag, but to no
avail. The decision was made and there was no backing out of it.
The day of the contest was to arrive. Who will win the contest? Who
will undergo the terrible surgery and embarrasement? Will justice be
served? Are the Spacemen visible with the 2-series screens or just the
1-12 screen? These and other questions will be answered on our next
episode of "As the Focus Ring Turns."
[announcer credits]
"Today's episode of "As the Focus Ring Turns" is brought to you by
"Tissue Plus". Tissue Plus says that there is no better lens wipe than
Tissue Plus. Also, by "Trojan Body Caps." Trojans is the source for
body caps. Do you have a camera body that needs super protection from
those aftermarket zooms? Try Trojans."
"This is Oly Empius for 'As the focus Ring Turns.' See you next time."
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